Money is an ordeal for most couples. However, finances with remarried couples present extra problems, primarily because divorced pairs often have a hard time disentangling their finances from ex-spouses. In addition, alimony and child support are two of the areas where divorced couples’ finances cause challenges. A therapist shared: I have heard countless stories from men and women who complain about the new spouse’s financial struggles with the ex. Some of the most common problems include late child support payments, medical bills, business asset division, the selling of the home or other assets, and hidden money. Since divorce is often linked to financial problems, many divorced people end up going through bankruptcy. This, too, can cause resentment in the new relationship because of bad credit and (sometimes) outstanding financial obligations. Before remarrying, it is absolutely essential that you and your new partner discuss finances. Being completely open and honest about debt, spending habits, alimony, and child support payments will help you. If you understand each other’s finances and know what you’re getting into before you get married, you are much more likely to foster a team approach. You can be creative in your solutions.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 11:56 am | Comments (2)

Many think that people who have been divorced should be good at choosing a mate. After all, if you have been divorced, you should have a clear idea of what you do and don’t want in a spouse, right? Wrong! In many instances, divorced people are prone to poor mate selection. Why? There are many reasons:

• Loneliness
• Hurried marriage
• Incompatibility
• Mental instability (self, other person, or both)
• Too many unresolved issues from a previous marriage
• Lack of self-esteem
• Feeling as though they need a parent for their kids
• Financial troubles
• A need for the societal acceptance of being married
• Fear of being alone
• Fear of getting to know themselves

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 8:03 pm | Comments (0)

 In most circumstances, divorce lowers a person’s mental health. Depression and anxiety are often associated. Due to divorce, some individuals become so angry that they cannot let go of the pain their ex-spouse caused them. This places a lot of pressure on the human mind. The mind becomes agitated. Unfortunately, the brain can lock onto the anger, fear, or anxiety and can become addicted to the chemicals released into the system every time a negative memory or image runs through their thoughts. If this pattern remains uninterrupted, the body can form a physical addiction to anger, fear, and/or anxiety.  There are also people who become so anxious about relationship failure that they sabotage new relationships. Anxiety and fear make them incapable of letting others into their life. These individuals may have relationships, but they never deepen because they don’t dare let someone fully know them. It’s as though they have a tight grip on a cat that is trying to twist free of the stranglehold. In the case of people, the more the other person tries to be free, the tighter the grip becomes. Eventually the cat or person will flee. This only adds fuel to the fire of the already anxiety-ridden person, reinforcing the belief that everyone will leave them.  

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 7:45 pm | Comments (0)

 When a divorce occurs, there is a restructuring of the power in a family. In many instances, children will be given extra responsibility simply because a single parent cannot accomplish all the ordinary tasks alone. In other instances, one parent will attempt to take away any power or influence his or her ex-spouse has on the children. This parent will tell the children that they don’t have to obey their other parent, or the parent will undermine any authority the other parent tries to use in discipline.  Even if this doesn’t happen, there’s the challenge of a new person coming into the family. Everyone has to figure out and accept the role of this new person. The struggle, power, and reconstruction of the operation of the family can lead to many conflicts.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 10:09 pm | Comments (0)

Divorce forces us to reevaluate ourselves. Many people who have been divorced struggle to understand what happened. Whether the divorce was something that suddenly took place or went for months, even years, the frustration, anger, and rejection are feelings that must be explored and put to rest. Unresolved issues often lead to projection (a person is blamed for the mistakes of another), which can destroy new relationships. Some individuals will see their new spouse do something that reminds them of a behavior that their ex-spouse did, and it will trigger a reaction sequence. This trigger may cause the person to put up a wall or get upset. Ironically, the new spouse will have no idea what they’ve done wrong, they will only know that their new partner is acting strangely and often with hostility.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 12:15 pm | Comments (0)

Commandment 9: Be Patient  Do not expect an instant bond. Initially, you may experience growing pains when you bring two families together. It takes time to establish boundaries, rules, and roles. Realize that there will be times when you’ll be highly frustrated. In most situations, if you are consistent and continue to make adaptations, the children will respond favorably. They will realize this marriage is for real.  If you are consistent and continue to make adaptations, the children will respond favorably.  

Commandment 10: Maintain Appropriate Marital Boundaries  In every remarriage situation, it’s critical that the two partners maintain their personal boundaries. As you create new interactions it’s easy to fall back into old patterns. You may find yourself sharing information and frustrations with your children. They may form ideas or beliefs that can hurt your new marriage. Make sure that you maintain healthy boundaries between you, your new partner and your children.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 7:50 pm | Comments (0)

Commandment 7: Do Not Expect Instant Love  Children are slower to trust after a divorce. Most researchers suggest that a stepparent’s initial role with the child should be as a friend. As trust and acceptance is gained, the role of the stepparent can change. The biological parent should handle most of the discipline.                                                     

Commandment 8: Do Not Take All the Responsibility  As the stepparent, you can easily get caught up trying to fix everything. Remember, your stepchild is still dealing with a destroyed marriage. They may not want to develop a relationship with you—at least not at the moment. Let the child do some of the work to maintain the relationship. Be consistent and loving and allow the child to engage in the relationship.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 9:24 am | Comments (0)

Commandment 5: Expect Ambivalence  Some children feel like they’re betraying their biological parent if they treat a stepparent well. However, they also realize that one of their parents chose to marry you. As a result, the child may feel torn between both parents. If you expect this to happen, it will be easier to prevent yourself from getting too defensive when your stepchild gives you the cold shoulder, doesn’t respond to your advice, or criticizes you.  

Commandment 6: Avoid Mealtime Misery  Common rituals can be a torment to your child. They are used to having both of their biological parents together. When a stepparent is introduced and it is mealtime, the child has a stark reminder of just how much their life has changed. The same holds true for other common rituals such as birthdays, Sunday observance, and holidays. The challenge all new families face is creating new rituals that the child can learn to enjoy. Having the child involved in new traditions can help build the bridge.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 11:31 am | Comments (0)

Commandment 3: Set Limits and Enforce Them  It is very important for two parents to establish the family ground rules early in the new relationship. In fact, it’s wise for couples to discuss these boundaries before the marriage occurs. As rules and consequences are discussed and followed, it becomes easier for parents and children to respond when something goes wrong.                            

Commandment 4: Allow the Children an Outlet for Feelings for the Biological Parent  Your stepchildren will always have feelings for their biological parent. To become jealous or undermine that interaction will only hurt your relationship and increase their feelings of loyalty to their natural parent.  Encourage these feelings for the biological parent.  Ask your new spouse to encourage the children to have respect for you.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 5:30 am | Comments (0)

Common Behavior 3: Your divorce will likely make your child skeptical of relationships.  In younger children this may not appear until late in their teenage years. However, if your divorce occurred during the teen years or early adulthood, there is a high possibility that your child may struggle with interpersonal relationships. The challenge you face will be to model a healthy relationship in subsequent relationships. One of the best ways to help children, no matter what their age, is by showing them what a positive relationship looks like. Either create one yourself, or find a loving couple that you believe to be a healthy example and arrange to have your children around them often.  I read that children do better if they have support from three different places. I decided that I would actively go out and seek this. I adopted grandparents for my children. In addition, I had the church group get involved. I also set my children up with adult teachers who taught them music, sewing, or basketball and who also taught my children that they were worthwhile individuals. I discussed with these adults my goal of creating a support system for my children and helping to show them how healthy relationships work. Many were willing to help. The additional mentoring not only blessed the lives of my children but also blessed the lives of the people who helped. We have many tender stories to attest to that. Children who get support and love from others in the community will adapt better.  

Common Behavior 4: Your child may turn to others for comfort.  Often children turn to friends for support during their parents’ divorce. When children do this, it can be challenging to get them to reconnect with you. It’s common during the teen years to turn to friends. However, what many people ignore is the fact that most teens still desire contact with their parents, even if they don’t show it. They want to connect, but don’t know how. Their emotions are raw. If you see your child turning away from you and toward others, remember that, deep inside, they still want to be close to you.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 10:55 am | Comments (0)