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3 Tips On How to Keep Going When You Are Stuck in a Nasty Divorce

Wednesday, 6th August 2014

papersMy first marriage ended by me fleeing to sage brush with six children in tow to get away from a man who had anger issues. Who would have thought later that I would look back and think about how easy it was. My second divorce came out of the blue from a man who suddenly decided that he should have our children with him a hundred percent of the time even though he was bi-polar. He also insisted that I should be granted the privilege of supporting him for the rest of his life so he wouldn’t have to work. Of course he was smoking a pipe dream, but that didn’t stop him from trying to get exactly that.

Since we ran into a stalemate, and we don’t see things eye-to-eye, so far we have spent almost a year in court trying to dissolve our marriage. So how does one keep going and building a better life while something so toxic is going on?

  • Decide that no matter how ugly the situation gets, you will not let outside circumstances determine your happiness.

My former promised me a great ten-year anniversary present. When I arrived home from an out of town trip, I was served with divorce papers. Two hours later I found myself in a divorce attorney’s office in shock. I remember a friend being in the room with me. I needed to leave the room, and I looked at the stack of important papers that sat next to the chair. I was going to take the binders with me, even though I would be back in a few minutes. But then I stopped myself. I knew right then and there I had a choice. I was either going to live a life of distrust and fear, or I was going to trust as it seemed appropriate. I knew that if I distrusted my friend, it would lead to unhappiness. I resolved that I would do things that led to happiness no matter how hard.

  • Seize the opportunity.

No matter how ugly the situation is there is an opportunity for you to turn it around for good. For me, although I was losing my marriage, I knew that with him gone I now had an opportunity to build a life that was in more alignment with what I wanted, and I would have no one now to stop or slow me down. The condition of my life was now going to be in my hands, and if I didn’t like it, all I had to do was change it. Truthfully just to be given this opportunity and to be free of a person whose values were not in alignment with mine made the divorce a good thing.

  • Remember what you focus on now is building the foundation for your future.

When a divorce goes nasty, the mounds of paperwork a person has to deal with, even with a lawyer, can become overwhelming, especially if you live in California. As I was plowing through the mounds and mounds and mounds of paperwork, and other work I needed to do for my divorce, it was easy to become frustrated and irritated. Seriously, there are very few things I hate doing more than dealing with numbers, and it seems most of the divorce work focuses on numbers and details. To get through the work that lay before me, I would focus on what getting through this divorce would create for me. If I did my divorce work, and put everything in order, I knew that I was building a foundation. The more I focused on laying a foundation for a better life as I worked on one problem after another, the easier it was for me to do the work that I did not like. The power of the vision of seeing myself free of all this and free to have the lifestyle that would better serve me, made it possible to endure.

Divorce isn’t a pleasant event, and when it turns for the worse and you are caught in the endless months of legal matters such as: waiting to go to court, making powerful decisions of how you are going to live your life, remember to concentrate on looking for the opportunities, and focus on the foundation that you want to create a life upon. These positive, forward looking thoughts will empower you to get through the difficult days with less trauma and more grace.

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