Part 2: Three More Tips on Getting Through a Nasty Divorce

Wednesday, 27th August 2014

Divorce is no fun and when it turns nasty it can really drain the people who are going through it. If a person is not careful as they go through the experience, they can get caught up in being reactionary, which will not only cause them heartache and headache in the long run, but it will also hurt those people who are around them. Here are some additional tips on how to get through a nasty divorce with the least amount of scars.

  • JourneyTake time each day to get grounded and centered. Without some type of practice, such as mediation, going on walks, or other de-stressing activities, it takes hardly any time for the stress to build up and cause harmful effects to the health. Not only does the stress hurt your health, but it also will influence how you respond to the situation, which if it is reactionary the probability of it making your situation worse is highly likely.
  • Develop or tap into a strong support system. According to the research, the individuals who do the best in recovering from a divorce are not necessary the ones who have the most resilience, but those who have a strong support system.

When I was going through my divorce, I was living in a new state and didn’t know anyone. There are solutions for people like me who didn’t already have the support of being surrounded by good friends. Check out the resources of your local community. I got on a meet-up website and found a very supportive single parenting group that had fun activities not only for the singles, but I could also involve my two children. We all loved participating.

  • Take time to figure out what your part of the divorce was then learn from it and forgive yourself. Marriage takes two people, and no matter how wrong the other person was, there were things you did that contributed to the downfall. Instead of having a shame fest, look at what you did as a way to learn from your mistakes and to give yourself confidence by taking steps to ensure that you aren’t going to make the same mistakes again. The most important part of this step is to forgive yourself and to exercise compassion for being human.

Divorce can be a long rough road, but the journey will go more pleasantly if you take time to ground yourself and to release the stress you are in, surround yourself with support and to learn from your mistakes.


3 Tips On How to Keep Going When You Are Stuck in a Nasty Divorce

Wednesday, 6th August 2014

papersMy first marriage ended by me fleeing to sage brush with six children in tow to get away from a man who had anger issues. Who would have thought later that I would look back and think about how easy it was. My second divorce came out of the blue from a man who suddenly decided that he should have our children with him a hundred percent of the time even though he was bi-polar. He also insisted that I should be granted the privilege of supporting him for the rest of his life so he wouldn’t have to work. Of course he was smoking a pipe dream, but that didn’t stop him from trying to get exactly that.

Since we ran into a stalemate, and we don’t see things eye-to-eye, so far we have spent almost a year in court trying to dissolve our marriage. So how does one keep going and building a better life while something so toxic is going on?

  • Decide that no matter how ugly the situation gets, you will not let outside circumstances determine your happiness.

My former promised me a great ten-year anniversary present. When I arrived home from an out of town trip, I was served with divorce papers. Two hours later I found myself in a divorce attorney’s office in shock. I remember a friend being in the room with me. I needed to leave the room, and I looked at the stack of important papers that sat next to the chair. I was going to take the binders with me, even though I would be back in a few minutes. But then I stopped myself. I knew right then and there I had a choice. I was either going to live a life of distrust and fear, or I was going to trust as it seemed appropriate. I knew that if I distrusted my friend, it would lead to unhappiness. I resolved that I would do things that led to happiness no matter how hard.

  • Seize the opportunity.

No matter how ugly the situation is there is an opportunity for you to turn it around for good. For me, although I was losing my marriage, I knew that with him gone I now had an opportunity to build a life that was in more alignment with what I wanted, and I would have no one now to stop or slow me down. The condition of my life was now going to be in my hands, and if I didn’t like it, all I had to do was change it. Truthfully just to be given this opportunity and to be free of a person whose values were not in alignment with mine made the divorce a good thing.

  • Remember what you focus on now is building the foundation for your future.

When a divorce goes nasty, the mounds of paperwork a person has to deal with, even with a lawyer, can become overwhelming, especially if you live in California. As I was plowing through the mounds and mounds and mounds of paperwork, and other work I needed to do for my divorce, it was easy to become frustrated and irritated. Seriously, there are very few things I hate doing more than dealing with numbers, and it seems most of the divorce work focuses on numbers and details. To get through the work that lay before me, I would focus on what getting through this divorce would create for me. If I did my divorce work, and put everything in order, I knew that I was building a foundation. The more I focused on laying a foundation for a better life as I worked on one problem after another, the easier it was for me to do the work that I did not like. The power of the vision of seeing myself free of all this and free to have the lifestyle that would better serve me, made it possible to endure.

Divorce isn’t a pleasant event, and when it turns for the worse and you are caught in the endless months of legal matters such as: waiting to go to court, making powerful decisions of how you are going to live your life, remember to concentrate on looking for the opportunities, and focus on the foundation that you want to create a life upon. These positive, forward looking thoughts will empower you to get through the difficult days with less trauma and more grace.