Commandment 3: Set Limits and Enforce Them  It is very important for two parents to establish the family ground rules early in the new relationship. In fact, it’s wise for couples to discuss these boundaries before the marriage occurs. As rules and consequences are discussed and followed, it becomes easier for parents and children to respond when something goes wrong.                            

Commandment 4: Allow the Children an Outlet for Feelings for the Biological Parent  Your stepchildren will always have feelings for their biological parent. To become jealous or undermine that interaction will only hurt your relationship and increase their feelings of loyalty to their natural parent.  Encourage these feelings for the biological parent.  Ask your new spouse to encourage the children to have respect for you.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 5:30 am | Comments (0)

Common Behavior 3: Your divorce will likely make your child skeptical of relationships.  In younger children this may not appear until late in their teenage years. However, if your divorce occurred during the teen years or early adulthood, there is a high possibility that your child may struggle with interpersonal relationships. The challenge you face will be to model a healthy relationship in subsequent relationships. One of the best ways to help children, no matter what their age, is by showing them what a positive relationship looks like. Either create one yourself, or find a loving couple that you believe to be a healthy example and arrange to have your children around them often.  I read that children do better if they have support from three different places. I decided that I would actively go out and seek this. I adopted grandparents for my children. In addition, I had the church group get involved. I also set my children up with adult teachers who taught them music, sewing, or basketball and who also taught my children that they were worthwhile individuals. I discussed with these adults my goal of creating a support system for my children and helping to show them how healthy relationships work. Many were willing to help. The additional mentoring not only blessed the lives of my children but also blessed the lives of the people who helped. We have many tender stories to attest to that. Children who get support and love from others in the community will adapt better.  

Common Behavior 4: Your child may turn to others for comfort.  Often children turn to friends for support during their parents’ divorce. When children do this, it can be challenging to get them to reconnect with you. It’s common during the teen years to turn to friends. However, what many people ignore is the fact that most teens still desire contact with their parents, even if they don’t show it. They want to connect, but don’t know how. Their emotions are raw. If you see your child turning away from you and toward others, remember that, deep inside, they still want to be close to you.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 10:55 am | Comments (0)

 Unless I am released from commitments, I must keep them.  Many people have a hard time with this one. They say they will call on such and such a day and they don’t, or they will be at an appointment or do this or that and it doesn’t happen. This occurs so often in our society that there are cartoons and jokes poking fun at this tendency.  The excuse most people use is that other things came up, or they didn’t think the commitment was serious. What these people don’t understand is how much harm they create by not doing what they say they’re going to do. Every time a commitment is broken, trust erodes. If this occurs too often, there won’t be enough belief left in the other person to keep a relationship functional.  Before you say, “But what about …” remember the first half of the statement: “Unless I am released from commitments.” This means that you can get out of the obligation. For example, you said that you would pick up your girlfriend at five. Once on the highway, you come to gridlock because of an unexpected accident. A person with integrity will call the girlfriend as soon as he can and let her know that he cannot arrive at the agreed upon time, and he will be there as soon as possible. That call may seem simple. It is small acts like that which create trust.  

Posted in: Self Improvement at 12:50 pm | Comments (0)

Common Behavior 1: Most children want a relationship with both parents after a divorce. 

In fact, researchers have found that children who maintain close and regular contact with both parents after a divorce do better academically and socially and are less likely to get involved in delinquent activity. Therefore, if you criticize your ex-spouse, you will be hurting your child. If you succeed at alienating your child from your ex-spouse, you are not helping your cause. As your children mature they will struggle in their own relationships. What have they learned—to be negative, critical, and unforgiving. 

Common Behavior 2: Each child will experience the divorce in his or her unique way.   Children of the same family will often interpret the divorce and how it impacts them in completely separate ways. One reason is that each child is at a different developmental stage. A young toddler doesn’t understand what a teenager does. Furthermore, toddlers, unlike teenagers, have not been exposed to all of the problems their parents have had over the years. The more stress children encounter or challenges they face during the divorce, the more difficult it will be for them to progress developmentally.  For example, a teenager who is just starting to date and develop social relations may pull back from dating for fear that relationship failure is inevitable. An alternate possibility is that the teenager will turn to more delinquent behavior, such as sexual promiscuity or drugs and alcohol, to avoid the tension and frustration of their home life. In a young child, you may see regressive behavior. A child who has been potty trained may start having more accidents. A ten-year-old may act more aggressively at home or school. In many instances, although appropriate behavior has been taught, inappropriate behaviors are common to children who are experiencing stress. My youngest was at the age to be potty trained when the divorce occurred. I held back from trying to train him, knowing he might regress. I did not think the increased pressure to learn this task would have been good for him as we were going through the transition. Even though some people think that the divorce doesn’t affect the toddler, it does. Babies are sensitive to the stress that goes on around them. Often times they also have to adjust to going from one home to another. My toddler decided that he wanted to return to being a baby. That was okay. It was his way of coping.  I got out a baby cup and filled it with milk. I had him climb in my lap and I hugged him and fed him like a baby. I also put out a blanket and said, “If you’re going to be a baby then you need to stay on a blanket like a baby.” Every time he tried to get off the blanket I’d pick him up and put him back. “No. No. You’re a baby. Babies stay on their blankets.” I continued to treat him like a baby, including putting him to bed early.  To my surprise he immediately got into the role, crawling around and saying, “Mama. Mama.” This lasted for two days before he decided he wanted to be a big boy again. We had no more regression after that.   From all the change that the divorce brought, he felt afraid and vulnerable and wanted to return to the time when he felt safe. Since I allowed him to do that and let him stay there as long as necessary, he eventually worked the fear out of his system and felt secure enough to encounter life again.I believe the divorce was harder on the older children. I had many more challenges and issues to work out with them. Being an adult when my parents divorced, I know from firsthand experience that adult children can take the divorce even harder than children at younger ages.  I read research that boys are quieter than girls about their hurt. Many boys’ misbehaviors surface two or three years after the divorce, leaving parents surprised and wondering what happened. It is extremely important if you have sons to get them in touch with their feelings and help them deal with this upheaval to avoid future problems.   I worked hard with my oldest son, nine at the time, who struggled silently with the divorce. He needed counseling. That was by far the best thing I ever did for our bond with each other. He was angry with me at the time of the divorce and blamed me for everything. He wouldn’t even talk to me. The therapist and I worked hard with him on his feelings. Now we cherish a tender relationship. We are good friends. He thinks I’m a mind reader because I helped him identify his feelings and normalized them. When he showed signs of stress, we made a habit of meeting on the couch in my bedroom where he would curl up on my lap (he still does this even though he is bigger than me!) and talk. He resisted at first. Then his walls crumbled and he opened up. The human contact got through to him. I’m grateful I took the time to help him through those tough months. He was a quiet child, and I could easily have brushed aside his emotional needs until I was doing better myself.     One of my other children viewed me as weak since she saw her father hit me. She decided she wasn’t going to be the weak one. She took the anger and power position. I figured out, that in order to be a good mom to her, I needed to let her know I was strong enough to handle whatever she tried. I could keep her safe. She tested the boundaries a lot. Once she discovered that I was not going away, and after doing some weightlifting so I was the stronger of the two of us, she settled down. I needed to be consistent, loving her and sending her value as I set the boundaries. I did not always succeed—she would be the first to tell you that. But I continued to try. We have a much more workable relationship, and she no longer thinks Mom is a pushover. We have even enjoyed some honest talks about how the divorce affected her.  I let all my children know that I’m truly sorry that they had to endure so much pain. I never wished this on them. They are strong individuals, and they can take this situation and use it to benefit their lives in the future. It is exciting to me that they are discovering how strong they are by making it through this difficult time in their lives.  

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 7:54 am | Comments (4)

When you hear the word intimacy, do you automatically think of sex? Or do you define intimacy in relationships another way? Couples experience various types of intimacy in their relationships. Below is a list, with definitions, of different types of intimacy.  Intimacy 1: Physical  This is easily the most recognizable form of intimacy. Western media focuses almost exclusively on physical intimacy in relationships. Seldom are we shown how couples develop other types. Physical intimacy is definitely important; however, it is only one aspect of intimacy.  Dr. Skinner explains:  When couples come to my office with relationship problems, they will frequently say, “We don’t have much in common.” Many times these couples start their relationship with a lot of physical intimacy. The beginning of their relationship is exciting and fun, but they haven’t taken the time to develop intimacy in other areas. Eventually, they sometimes realize that they cannot find common ground.

Posted in: Self Improvement at 4:38 pm | Comments (0)

 Commandment 1: Give the Child Personal Space  Children need to form their own identity. If you bring a child into a stepparent’s home make sure your child has a place to go to be alone (personal space). If this place cannot be found in your new living arrangements then discuss this with the child.

Commandment 2: Be Yourself  Adults need to be themselves around their new stepchildren. It is easy to get caught up in winning over their hearts. The best policy is to be authentic from the beginning. Children are good at determining who is being real with them.  

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 5:58 am | Comments (0)

Key 3: Take One-On-One Time with Each Child     Spend time with each of your children individually. Do this as often as you can.  Do something enjoyable. Ask them about their lives and what they are doing (e.g., school, friends, work, dating, hobbies) and what they are thinking. You will want to make sure that your discussions do not always focus on tasks that need to get done or on the divorce. Maintain a positive presence in your child’s life.  We call this “special time” in our house. The kids look forward to it and get creative with ideas of what to do. They love to talk when they’re away from their siblings. We’ve gone shopping, played games, gone on walks, watched a show, gone to the video rental store together, sewed, and read.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                              Key 4: Show Your Children that They are Important to You  One of the biggest fears for children after a divorce is that they will be abandoned. This stems from one parent already being gone from their life, and sometimes very abruptly. As you make your child a priority they will learn to trust that you aren’t going to leave. Here are examples of things that you can do to show your children that they are important to you.  A. If you say you’re going to do something with them or for them, keep your promise. B. Do nice things for your children to let them know that you are thinking about them. C. Take time every day to hug and kiss them—even if they are teenagers. Doing this consistently lets them know that you want to connect to them. Even though they don’t want to admit that they want this, it’s important to them to know that parents care. They need to know on an intellectual level and also physically through appropriate touch. As you make your children a priority, they will learn to trust that you are not going to leave.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                               Key 5: Teach Positive Relationship Skills  One of the best things you can teach your children is positive relationship skills—forgiveness, kindness, and empathy are just a few. For example, if your children see that you have empathy for your ex-spouse, they will learn to act the same way, not only in a spousal situation but also with dates, former friends, and others. Even if you’re being attacked by your ex-spouse, using statements such as, “I am sorry he/she feels that way” or “I suppose if I were in his/her shoes, I might feel that way too” or “He/she must really be hurting to say such things” can be really helpful ways to respond.  The holidays are extra hard on my ex-spouse, so we have often invited him over to our house for Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. This helped the children to not be worried about their dad being home alone for the holidays. It also shows that we still care for each other, despite the fact that we’re divorced. We act civilly and leave the past where it should be—in the past. When we’re able to show compassion toward each other in awkward or hard times, it gives our children an incredible example to follow.  Remember, your child’s perception of the divorce will change throughout the years. Therefore, be patient and consistent. Show your child that you’re going to parent them regardless of whether you’re divorced or not.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery at 6:00 am | Comments (1)

Integrity Rule 1: I am totally honest, recognizing that a lie is any communication given with the intent to deceive.  Too many people trick themselves into believing they are being honest even though they are leaving out important information in their communication. There are various reasons why someone would delete data. One of the most common reasons is to stay out of trouble. They know if the other person knew the whole truth they would be upset.  Another reason to withhold information is to avoid hurting another person’s feelings. However, what harms the relationship more than telling the truth is not telling it. Keep in mind that a person should strive to use common sense in this area.

Posted in: Self Improvement at 11:43 am | Comments (0)

5 Keys to A Close Relationship With Your Children  Key 1: Keep a Positive Attitude  Children are always trying to assign meaning to what is happening around them. If you stay positive, your child will pick up on your attitude. The alternative is to become negative and bitter. Your children won’t like being around you if you’re always complaining or putting down the other parent. 

Key 2: Be Open and Honest with Your Child  Many people fear that they will inadvertently give their child too much information. However, if one spouse is accusing, belittling, or creating false stories, children need to know the truth. Many people become defensive when they hear things that their ex-spouse is saying about them. The defensive posture leads children and others to assume you really are guilty. Therefore, it is always a good idea to gather as much information as you can and openly admit mistakes you made. However, you should not allow misperceptions to go unchecked. This does not mean that you call your ex-spouse a liar—you simply relay the facts in a calm, non-accusatory fashion.  Hint: One technique I use, since I am not legally allowed to discuss with my children past issues concerning my ex, is to ask them questions about what they know. This helps them sort out the answers for themselves. When people come up with an answer themselves, it has a much more powerful effect.

Posted in: Divorce Recovery, Uncategorized at 8:45 am | Comments (0)

Overwhelmed?  Too much to do?  It’s time to slow down and rest.  Sound counter intuitive?  I agree.  But think about it, ever have a power nap that zapped you with the energy that enabled you to burst through your list of “to do’s” faster than an egg fries on hot sizzling concrete?  Amazingly, fighting through the dreariness of sleepiness can be a real battle and waste tremendous energy.   

Fight sleepiness and end up more exhausted slogging through some work, or seize a power nap for five or ten minutes and be prepared to enthusiastically tackle the daunting list down to size.  I was once told that the way us “Westerners” approach stress is so strange. We get overcome with so much to do and know that the day before us requires more than we are able to accomplish.  We “Westerners” will look at everything that we need to do and get to work cracking the whip.  We need to get a move on it even though we know that it is impossible.  The harder we work the more stressed we become.  More problems seem to grow as though we are trying to clean a lint brush by brushing the back of a cat. In other cultures when they have more to do than they can simply accomplish they look at this as a time to go into deep meditation. 

 This might seem counter intuitive—slowing down, apparently doing nothing as a strategy to accomplish tasks.  The reason for this is that when we are in a good relaxed state it becomes easier to find the information or the fastest path to completion.  At the risk of sounding Californian, this puts us in a state of flow and into abundance. If you doubt the validity of this then just put the slow down to speed up concept into action next time you feel stalled by a mountain of tasks and be prepared to see yourself propelled forward.  There is a difference between being idle and regenerating. 

Posted in: Self Improvement at 10:42 am | Comments (0)