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Lists of Abuse

Wednesday, 24th October 2007

Excerpt from Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom 

In the afternoon, as the quiet of the old house wrapped around her, she thought she would do the assignment that Judy had requested. Make a list of the problems she had with Brad. Once she got started it began to flow from her pen.

  1) I lose a sense of identity with him around.2) He often engages in revenge, going for where it hurts.3) Physical Abuse—hitting, throwing things, breaking things.4) Verbal Abuse—name calling—sometimes really crude ones.5) Spiritual Abuse—“I am the man and the leader of the home, therefore you will do as I say.”6) Crazy Making—He says something then denies saying it.7) No Empathy—even in the process of trying to get back together with me, he does not consider my feelings or my concerns, much less my fears.8) Controlling—I’ve never known how much money we have. I can’t do anything without his permission. I can’t even choose what kind of milk to buy.9) Involves the children with our problems.10) Doesn’t take ownership for his mistakes or issues.11) Blames me for all our problems.12) Drains my spirit when I’m around him.13) Doesn’t trust me—constantly accuses me of having affairs, etc.14) Doesn’t see me for who I am.15) He often changes the “rules” of our relationship.16) Chauvinistic—thinking a man should be served by women.17) Image focused, so worried how he appears to others.18) Has to get his way in everything all the time no matter how small. It is as though “getting his way” is more important than the issue itself.19) Unable to bond. He has never connected emotionally with me.20) He is not safe to be around. I never know what he will do or when. Very unpredictable.Why in the heck had she stayed with that man!? By leaving him, she had chosen happiness. It had to be her choice, and she had made it. Now she was on her own. If she turned back, then she’d be returning to where she’d been. She had heard that most women who leave their abusive husbands go back. She prayed not to be one of them. She couldn’t do this alone with five kids, but with God, maybe she would be successful—one moment at a time. She walked over to her window and looked out at the swing set. As she watched the swing move slightly in the wind, she thought that maybe with the knowledge she had gained, she could go out and serve others. Now if she could get over the next couple of hurdles, she’d be ready.

Last Straw

Thursday, 18th October 2007

I recently read an letter to a blog post commenting about the last straw.

The Last Straw 

I had this to say:

I agree with Evana about the need for community support. I had six children under the age of eleven when I fled and went into hiding. If I didn’t have the community support I wouldn’t have been able to get out alive. This is one of the reasons I am so committed to teaching other women how to develop their personal community of support. I fictionalized my own personal story in the novel Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom.As we talk about last straws, it’s funny, like Evana, mine wasn’t a major episode either. My ex had actually gotten help, was in perpetrator therapy, but his anger, hovering over me didn’t stop. One day I had a baby in arms and he hovered over me criticizing me for being fat. He had never called me that before. That did it. I had six children in eight years and he had the gall to call me fat! He was fifty pounds overweight, I twenty, and he called me fat. I called my support team into action and they surrounded me to help me get out of this sticky situation safely. I put up with the fat lips, bruised eyes, damage to my back, and brain stem, but call me fat… I believe in all reality it was because of all the community support I had, the people telling me I was of worth and my children deserve better that it took only the smallest thing to push me over the edge to work for my freedom. Oh, the sweet freedom I now have. I hope that we can help every other person who is suffering to claim this freedom.

O.J. Simpson and Abuse

Tuesday, 16th October 2007

One cannot watch the news reports on O.J. Simpson without seeing similarities between him and the abuser profile.  The biggest blaring characteristic would be his sense of entitlement.  His actions scream that he thinks he can get away with— anything—consequence free.  The reason being, “It’s not his fault.”  If he wants his watch back, don’t worry about getting it legally, bust down a door, bring a gun, yell and threaten with tons of profanity and get what you want.   Another behavior that would be on the lookout list is when a person violates another person’s access to help by trying to take away the phone.  Of course to the abuser the phone snatching is okay because the other person was threatening to call the authorities and that would cause him trouble and that to them is abusive.    It’s okay to indulge in highly emotional outbursts that cause other people heart attacks because, hey, they took the watch so they deserve what they got.  Their behavior is justified, they are after all no matter what they do or the harm they cause others, even murder, because, after all, they are the victim. Abusers, naturally, can’t help being charming and fun, the life of the party the night before the attack.  They can’t help it if people instantly like them and they are good natured—well, at least until you tick them off.  Being Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, switching from nice to menacing, is all part of the job.  It’s all part of the fun not knowing if you are dealing with the fun, talented, good natured person or the angry, threatening one who if you don’t do what he wants ….well.   Entitlement, swearing, weapons, threats of isolation, anger, charm, Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, claiming to be a victim, it all just seems to fit too nicely.  When is society going to say enough is enough?  

News And Tribune Response

Wednesday, 10th October 2007

I recently read Greg Haller’s letter to the editor in the Oct. 2 issue of “NewsandTribune.com.” Great insight.  As a victim of domestic violence I know that the stress, fear and dread of that experience.  It led to the breakdown of my health. The real insidiousness of abuse can’t be measured.  For example, how did my fear and poor health affect my children despite the fact I made every effort to be present for them?  What are the long-term effects on the rising generation?

To add to the list of things to do during October Domestic Violence month: 

*Become educated on the complexity of abuse.  The more people understand abuse and what it’s like for victims the more prepared to identify, prevent and avoid harm they are.  Read novels like Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom written by a survivor that delves into the psyche of the abused person.  This gives insight into the victim and their obstacles.   

*Teach victims to develop a personal support system.  When a victim has a team behind them they are more likely to succeed.  (Visit www.redemptivecommunity.com for more information.)           

*Become a supportive ally for victims.           

*Send messages to the abuser that they are of worth, but their abusive behaviors are unacceptable.     

The only way I got out of my situation was through community involvement.  There are many others who can be saved.  We must become educated and take steps to prevent more statistics.

 http://www.newsandtribune.com/archivesearch/local_story_275174520.htm?start.int=15.

Things to do during October Domestic Violence Month

Monday, 8th October 2007

Things to consider to doing during October Domestic Violence month:

 *Become educated on domestic violence and complexity of abuse.  The more people know how abuse works and what it’s like for victims going through it, the more prepared to identify and prevent or avoid harm they are.  Read novels like Silent Cries: A Woman’s Journey to Freedom written by a survivor that delves into the psyche of the abused person.  This will give better insight of what it is like to be the victim and the real obstacles they encounter.

*Teach victims how to develop a personal support system in their community.  When a victim has a team behind them they are more likely to succeed in safely getting out of the abuse.  (For more information on this visit www.redemptivecommunity.com)

*Become a supportive ally for victims to go to in time of need.

*Send reinforcing messages to the abuser that they are of worth, but their abusive behaviors are unacceptable.

The only way I got out of my situation alive with six young children was through community involvement and support.  There are many others who can be saved before becoming a statistic.  If we all choose to become educated and do some small steps we can prevent some of the abuse from occuring.

New Network Site

Saturday, 6th October 2007

I just found a great online network site.  I am new to it but have already been surrounded by support.  I think it would be a great place for women to go for support and encouragement.  Women power!  Check it out www.cre8buzz.com.

Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

Thursday, 4th October 2007

Many people wonder if they are in an abusive relationship or if the problems they experience are all part of normal marriage discord.  Answer these simple questions to get a better idea as to what kinds of problems you are having in your marriage.

1- Does your stomach tighten when your spouse drives up in the driveway?

2- Do you feel like you have to be careful what you say around your spouse, and that anything could set him/her off?

3- Does your spouse swear at you, throw things, or physically hurt you?

4- Do your friends like your spouse or do they comment that he/she doesn’t treat you well?

5- Is your spouse willing to talk to you openly about finances, or does he/she control what you know and what you spend?

If the answer was yes to any of the questions, serious attention needs to be placed on the dynamics of your relationship.  There is a high probability you could be in an abusive relationship.

Lisa Pecks Blog

Tuesday, 2nd October 2007

Welcome to the Blog of Lisa Peck.